I have found every one of Maya’s practical prescriptions to work for me.

On Writing Excuses someone talked about writing an epic fantasy in a limerick. I figured I’d give it a go. Of course, it’s a slight cheat, but epic nevertheless.

A tiny man with a ring
Said I’ll save the world from this thing
He traveled to Mordor
But in very short order
Was trounced by the chatty bling bling

Fat head alert.     

Not to be missed – the most useful speech on writing you will ever hear! Keynote speaker John D. Brown will present ‘Three things you MUST know to write killer stories.’ John Brown is a prize-winning short story writer and novelist. His epic fantasy novel, “Servant of a Dark God” will be released in North America in September 2009. 

“Most useful” is nice. Let’s hope I can live up to that one.  I’m looking forward to this event. A lot of other great authors will be there as well as editors from Deseret Book, Covenant, and Cedar Fort. If you’re a regional writer, you won’t want to miss this. Full information here on the American Fork Arts Council council for writers.

This is Warren Ellis.

I heat my house with radiant heating. When we built this place, Nellie, I, and the girls laid down yards and yards of tubing. Then the mudmen came in and covered it all up with concrete. We run hot water through that tubing. That water it heated by a boiler, which also heats the water for sinks and showers.

About two and a half weeks ago our boiler quit working. We called the guy who sold it to us. It worked again for one week and went out again. Then again. And again. Now if we lived in the valley and it was summer it wouldn’t be an issue. But we live at 6,000 feet, in the mountains, and it’s winter. We just got four inches of snow two days ago. Needless to say, heat is important.

Well, four technician visits, $600, and many hours later, we still have problems. The blasted boiler conked out again tonight just as Nellie and I were about to take showers to go to a dance for adults our church was putting on.

So we brought in the big guns. We called Warren. Now Warren fixes cars. He fixed our fridge. He’s worked on everything from computers to furnaces. So Warren arrives. In less than 10 minutes the @#!$ boiler was working again. And we now know exactly what the problem is so the Lochinvar boiler rep can’t tell us to look for something else and that it’s an installation error (yes it’s a Lochinvar Knight boiler–remember that boiler buyers). Genius. Absolute genius.

I offered to give Warren a big old kiss–hey, hot water’s important, almost as important as a wife who doesn’t have to take a cold shower in the morning. Warren refused. 

So here’s a wet one for ya, Warren. You’ve done your work to further world peace.

I live among ranchers in northern Utah, people whose livelihood walks around on four legs. People who can lose thousands of dollars of future income if they lose one good cow or calf. People who think one of the dumbest things to happen in recent times in the West is the reintroduction of wolves to Yellowstone. Now, I don’t agree with them, but I do think they have good cause.

Contrary to what people will tell you, wolves do not kill just for food. Wolves kill because they like killing. If you don’t believe me, then believe Temple Grandin, an expert on animals, who asks the question in her Animals in Translation: “Is it fun to kill a groundhog?” 

She reviews a number of studies done on animals and answers with an unequivocal yes, predators love to kill. In fact:

“Animals like having their predatory killing circuits turned on, and will turn them on themselves if you show them how. When you think about what predatory killing is all about, of course it ought to feel good, because predatory killing means dinner. Killing a mouse feels good to a cat the same way finding a luscious ripe banana feels good to a primate.” (p138)

What this means is that when wolves come to kill sheep, they don’t just kill one old and decrepit ewe. No, they do what they did on a neighbor’s land a few miles from my home. They maim and kill five or six. Not because two wolves were that hungry, but because it was fun and they could.

Sheep are like popcorn to wolves. Compare them to elk or other wild animals. The reason why wolves tend to indeed eliminate the young, weak, and old in the wild is that those poor specimens tend to run a bit slower than their brethren. In the wild, slow means dead. For the wolf, it’s hard work to run down an elk or buffalo. And if you’re a hungry son-of-a-gun, you’re not going to go chasing after another dinner while there’s fresh meat in front of you because the rest of the pack will eat it before you get back. And you ain’t going to catch one on your own anyway. But sheep aren’t elk. Cattle aren’t elk. They’re bred for meat, not sprinting. Sheep are easy meat. And the wolves can’t help themselves.

But even if the wolves exercise restraint and eat just one, that’s cash. That’s clothes for the kids. That’s a mortgage. That’s heat. And it’s a danger for children as well (adults I don’t worry about: who cares about a few devoured adults?). My girls like to hike. And while I’m sure wolves will usually stay away, a sick or starving wolf will risk humans just as sick and starving mountain lions do. You get a different mindset about predators when you live up where I do. When they’re not something you see caged up in the zoo or on PBS.

For all these reasons and others, I couldn’t wait to read Where The Wild Things Were by William Stolzenburg. Folks, the book is fabulous–well-written and interesting from page one to the very end. The key point is that predators play a huge role in maintaining a healthy diversity of both plant and animal life in any given ecosystem. Stolzenburg begins with starfish and moves through otters, killer whales, jaguars, mountain lions, and wolves. Along the way he reveals just how important killing is.

Yes, killing is critical to life as we know it.

Because without it, the most dominant herbivores will end up eating all the food. And this will end up killing off most of the other herbivores. It will kill off the great variety of flora in any given system. It can turn a paradise into a hell as Stolzenburg illustrates with the islands of Lago Guri in Venezuela. 

Of course, some people think the answer is to bring back all the big predators. The rewilding supporters want to populate the West not only with wolves, but also lions (African), jaguars, cheetahs. Heck, they salivate at the idea of giant Pleistocene bears that can run faster than a horse (yeah, I want one of those up where the Boy Scouts camp).  I think it’s good the wolves are back in Yellowstone. But I don’t want packs of wolves eating my friend’s herds and daughters (of course, maybe a few Boy Scouts are okay). Still, I believe there has to be another alternative. What that is I don’t know. But we all need to think about it. We do. And great way to start is by reading Stolzenburg’s book.

Okay, okay. So I knew you could pre-order stuff, but I just never expected to see MY BOOK available 6 MONTHS EARLY! Target has Servant of a Dark God up for sale. It’s up on Amazon as well. I’m getting so excited.